This post is part of a four part series on Mother-Daughter Purity Retreats. We used Passport to Purity program for our retreat. Read an overview of Passport to Purity here, and tips for preparing for the retreat here. Today, I’m going to share some tips on how to get the most out of your retreat.
Note, this retreat can be done as a father-son retreat, using the same kit.
1. Be Open to Any And All Questions
Some may make you squirm, but try as much as you can to not let her know that. You want her to feel comfortable coming to you, always. If some questions go beyond her maturity, you can always give her a simplified answer and talk more about it when she gets older.
I pretty much feel like if they’re old enough to ask, they’re old enough to know, at least the basics. That being said, use your judgment. I’ve said it before, the Holy Spirit will guide you with your kids!
Be a Good Listener
Look. We parents have a lot of wisdom and value to pour into our kids, and this is a teaching retreat. But don’t forget to just stop and listen sometimes. She doesn’t always need input or advice, sometimes she just needs to talk and be heard. It’s not easy to remember this, but it’s so worth it. Trust me.
Set the Tone and Model Attentiveness
My girls and I can get pretty silly and I knew that one session in particular was going to be a little uncomfortable to listen to, so I told Soleil, “This is going to be awkward and you’re going to want to make jokes and be silly. But I want you to sit up, pay attention, and be serious.” And she did. And we talked and even giggled a little after, but setting the tone helped.
I also took notes while listening, as she did, and made sure we went through all of the questions. Because I took it seriously, she did, too. This may or may not be the case with your child. If you feel they are having trouble focusing, maybe try splitting the sessions into smaller chunks, or going on a walk to discuss some of the questions. Make it work for your kid.
But Also Have Fun
Especially if you tend to be more on the serious side or feel like you’re always nagging your kids, this is a great time to let them see your fun side. Be silly, listen to her kind of music in the car, eat junk food and tell her embarrassing stories from when you were her age.
It could be the start of a beautiful friendship.
Make sure you set aside that time to bond, and don’t be all about studying, all the time. This could be as simple as exploring the town where you’re staying, or eating at a fun restaurant while chatting. But also be open to spontaneous moments. When I asked Soleil on the way home what her favorite part of the retreat was (And we did some really fun outings!) she said the dance party we had on the hotel beds was her favorite part.
Yep, we’re those people! But it really warmed my heart that it was that moment that stuck in her brain. I’m pretty sure it always will always stick in mine, too.
Let Your Daughter be the Guide
If you’re used to making all of the decisions, this weekend away is a good time to let your daughter make some of your choices. Ask her where she would like to eat, or where she would like to walk around during breaks. Try to include her in the decisions for your time together.
She will love it and you’re showing her that she’s growing up and you trust and care about her opinion. I tend to defer to my husband most of the time, so a girls-only trip is a great time to give my daughter the reigns for a bit.
Object Lessons
There are a few hands-on object lessons included in the workbook. I strongly recommend doing these lessons, they are simple and leave a lasting memory of the subjects covered. My daughter and I just revisited one the other day, when we talked about a certain singer bouncing back and forth between highly publicized relationships. We spoke about how part of each person will be with her forever, and remembered a certain project involving nothing but glue and construction paper.
That lesson took a few moments, yet the point is burned in her brain forever.
Plan Some Special Treats
Our family is very food-oriented. We love to celebrate with foods and most of our traditions involve food.
And I know not every family is like this. But I still encourage you to find a special, maybe regional, treat to enjoy on your trip! Chances are, every time your child has this treat later in life, she’ll remember your trip. We got an almond Kringle in Solvang and brought it home to enjoy it while showing Daddy photos of our trip.
We also ate plenty of Danish pastries and food while we were there.
Is it weird that I always plan to gain five pounds on vacation?
Celebration Dinner and Gift
The guide suggests planning a celebration dinner during the retreat, and I highly recommend it as well. And not just because of the love for food I’ve previously mentioned.
Putting on nice clothes and having a grown-up dinner out together during this weekend is just one more thing to signify that your child is growing up. It’s also something he or she will remember for years to come.
I presented my girls with their gifts on our special dinner night. For us, it really was special because our mother-daughter dates usually consisted of ice cream or coffee shops. We don’t go out as a family to nice restaurants very often. Once a year at the most, sometimes even less than that. These dinners were the first time my daughters and I went somewhere nice, when it was just the two of us.
Include the Other Parent
I feel bad because I am focusing on girls, but I don’t have sons, so all of my experience is with girls. So keep in mind that these materials come with complete plans and sessions for a father-son retreat as well.
I’m going to share how we included my husband in this process, and how you can include whatever parent stayed home. One of my friends does this retreat with her kids and both parents go. It works really well for them. We decided to keep it one-on-one, but there’s lots of ways to include your spouse, if you have one. (Single parents can absolutely do this retreat with zero modifications, just so you know.)
I should mention that my girls do take one-on-one trips with their dad as well. We’re very big on one-on-one time in our family! Even my girls have “sister dates” with just each other.
Here are some ideas for including your spouse:
- Share pictures. Like I mentioned above, we brought home a Danish pastry and shared it with my husband while showing him all of our pictures. I uploaded them to my computer, then hooked my computer up to the TV, so we could all see them and take our time talking about everything. It was really fun to relive the whole experience and made my husband feel included.
- Have your daughter tell him about each project and what it represented. Try not to be discouraged and just give her hints if she’s forgotten some of the projects, it’s a lot of information to take in, in just couple of days. Having her do this is not only a great way to include your husband, but a way for her to cement what she’s learned by sharing it with someone else.
- Have him write the letter in the journal. The authors recommend each parent writes a letter in their child’s activity journal for the retreat. This is so special and your kid can come back to it for years and read your kind thoughts about them and maybe a prayer or blessing for them. My daughters both cried when they read their letters from my husband and I. Bonus: There’s a guide in the book if either of you needs help getting started.
- Bring him a souvenir. Besides the yummy Kringle, we brought my husband and daughter that stayed home souvenirs from Solvang. This let them know that we were thinking about them while we were there.
- Have him join you for the celebration dinner. If you don’t travel too far away, your husband can surprise your daughter and meet you at the celebration dinner with her special gift.
An Added Bonus
My sister-in-law Destiny had gone through a purity program as a teen, and entered her marriage to my brother with her purity saved for him. When I took Coco on her retreat, she was 14, so Destiny shared a letter with me that she had written at the age of 14 to her future husband, and offered to let me share it with Coco during our retreat. I have to say, this was incredibly impacting as we sat together and read her aunt’s 14 year old handwritten letter to her future husband, Coco’s uncle.
I know not everyone can do that, but think outside the box and see if you can find something to make it even more personal.
I’ll talk a little more tomorrow about how you can include the other parent in the fourth and final part of this series. {After the Retreat}
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