I wasn’t planning on blogging today. I’ve been baking up a storm since Tuesday and I’ve got company to prepare for that will be here in a couple hours. And yet, here I am. What brought me here wasn’t a super-cool idea for you and your kids, though I’ve had lots of those this season. In fact, I had a whole Christmas newsletter planned out, as well as a printable for you. The thing is, I have been too busy doing all those ideas with my own family to share them with you.
I figure that’s okay. Someday, my kids will be grown and I can look back and share all those things, having actually done them. Or maybe I’ll even get in gear enough in time to share them next year. Who knows? Lately, I’ve been falling into bed exhausted every night. But it’s a happy exhausted. My house is fairly sparkling. My family is happy. The blog can wait.
So what brings me here today isn’t some happy holiday list, though I wish it was. What finally got me to plant my booty in my new office chair and whip up my first post since I moved into this house?
Me, crying at my kitchen sink. Sometime around this day every year, I fight that slippery slope into gloom and despair, and apparently the only way I can claw my way out is by baking. Keeps my mind and my hands busy and I generally love to cook, so it’s a happy place for me.
However.
An unexpected quiet moment at the sink, letting my mind wander too long, and there it is. The Gloom. The Sadness. The Despair.
See, I pretty much live in a happy bubble throughout the year. I can choose who I want to spend time with and I choose people that love me. Encounters with those other people don’t happen very often, and when they do, we spread them out. Then Christmas comes and all of a sudden over two days we celebrate Christmas no less than six times.
Six family celebrations, and not all of them are pleasant if you’re me. There’s the house where I am literally ignored every year. Then there’s the evening I’ll spend being told that my life is a waste and I am ruining my children because I stay home. There’s the family that revolves around one person who happens to be a total jerk to me and all I can do is keep my head down.
And that’s not the worst. There are more hurtful things that I can ignore all year long, and then at Christmas it’s there, in my face. Some family members just don’t love me the way they should. And that’s that. And it will never stop hurting. I bring it to God over and over again and I’m warmed and blessed by Him and know that HIS love is enough.
Inevitably, though, I’ll find myself weeping into my sink as the reality hits me once again.
Christmas is hard, guys.
I read this post by Sarah Mae the other day and it really helped. And I spent some time in God’s lap. Asked him to show me that He loved me. Because I’m kinda needy like that.
He answered big. I won’t share what God spoke to my heart, because I want you to have your own moment with Him. Ask Him how He loves you. And really listen. You’ll be pleasantly surprised.
I don’t share this often, but I’ve been hurt a lot in this life. Some things are just too deep to share, but there’s a whole side of me that’s pretty much an open wound that I have to have covered and re-covered by the Lord.
And then sometimes it seems like I don’t count, that I’m forgotten. Sometimes it’s because of my love for God, and I must say that pretty much rocks. Hate me because I love Jesus? Bring it!
But sometimes, it’s just me. For some reason, certain people hurt me or don’t like me or treat me like they treat others. And it sucks.
But God shows me again and again that He always fills in the gaps. And I spend most of the year reflecting on how shockingly blessed I am. Sometimes, I even feel I am spoiled by God. I mean, my life is pretty amazing.
But there’s this whole other flip side and if I let myself dwell on that, it can get pretty ugly pretty quick. So today, I let myself cry a little and before I could really slip into that pit, little reminders appeared like ladder steps to climb right out.
Reminders like my husband. My kids. My mom. Reminders of blessings I’ve experienced all year long.
For every hurt, there’s a happy memory I can dwell on instead.
For every time I am ignored, there is a verse that tells me how God hears my every thought.
Every time someone tells me that I am worthless, or treats me like I am, I can smile knowing that God knew me and shaped me in my mother’s womb.
For every time I start to believe that I don’t matter, there is a face that depends on me to get through the day.
And that is how I get through Christmas. I hold on even tighter to what is good and perfect in my life. I try to be a light, and if I’m a little dim, then I at least try to not darken anyone else’s day.
And that’s really what brought me here today. I cringe to even think of sharing these dark thoughts. I want to only show the happy, joyful side of Christmas that I enjoy each year. Part of me is thinking, panicked, this isn’t who I am! I don’t want you to think I am a moody, depressed freak. But I know I’m not alone. I know some of you are hurting and worrying about facing a family that tears you down.
Dwell on what is good and perfect in your life. And if you’re so low you can’t think of what that might be, then ask God to show you. He will. Because He has not forgotten one of us.
He sent His son, Jesus to save us all. Including those jerks that treat you like dirt. So dwell on what is good. Treasure the things God speaks to you in your quiet time with him. Hug your husband and your kids often.
And have a Merry Christmas, friends.
Colletta says
Praying for God’s protective love to surround you and make those nasty comments, actions bounce right off of you!
Merry Christmas!
Randa says
A friend of mine shared this post with me today, after I whined in a way about this very thing. I might not have shared this portion of my life in my whiny post, but it is most of what has been bringing me down. Thank you for sharing. I’ll be praying for you!
Robin says
You’re human. I’m human. The people in my life are human. People are human and fallible. God is divine. His love is divine. He is infallible. The reminder from one survivor of sucky Christmases to another was just what I needed. Thank you!
Hannah says
Wow. Is this blood family or in-laws? Sounds like you got a disproportionately high density of tearer-downers in your family circle, and I’m so sorry to hear it. That’s just plain awful. Sometimes when I feel misunderstood or unappreciated, it helps to remember that Jesus did come to be a MAN. He wasn’t just the baby in a manger, but a human being who spent time being despised and rejected by men, even by those closest to Him. Now that same Man is at the right hand of God, being our High Priest and interceding for us. May He be so rich to you in the next few difficult days. I’ll be praying for you.
Christina says
Some people can be mean (whether they intend to or not) and it hurts. Thank you for honestly sharing hard things in a homemaker’s life and yet doing it with a loving, humble attitude. 🙂
Praying for you that you hold up during the stormiy season.
Cheryl@SomewhatCrunchy says
Oh honey, I’m sorry. If it ca be avoided, just don’t go. Your children don’t need to see you subjected to that. Try to set boundaries…if they can’t speak respectfully then you don’t come-start a your family only Christmas tradition. Go ordered us to leave our family and cling to our spouse. What a shame, our families should be sources of strength and happiness. Many hugs and blessings.
Claire says
I’m really sorry for what you’re going through. 6 celebrations in two days would be very stressful even if all the family members involved were kind and considerate. I’m glad that it seems like you’re able to stay in peace most of the year. I hope these next few days go as well as can be expected.
Amanda says
THANK YOU!!! Thank you so much for writing this post. I can relate all too well. I have yearned many years for a family that truly loves…a family you get together with at the holidays and feel safe. But my story is much like yours. Thank you for reminding me of hope.
Joy to the World says
The last few weeks I have been battling being down a bit as well. Not with family but the outside world. Little abused lonely children, I sort of lost my job because my friend lost hers, a little sick baby with no family, people spending money like crazy..for what? Me spending money I dont have like every year and for what? So many people without food, homes, or jobs in America. Ugh.
But I look at the real reason for Christmas. JOY. Yep I have to remind myself of my name. Joy, because Jesus came so we dont have to put up with this awful earth after we die. Awesome. Im ready.
Rhonda Kane says
I. LOVE. YOU!!!!
And 6???? In one weekend????
That’s just too many. You are a bigger person than me. I would say no.
I had a friend one year remind me that Christmas was about worship.
The shepherds, the wisemen, Mary and Joseph – it was ALL about worship. And then she asked me if I was having a Mary Christmas or a Martha Christmas.
I remind you, Christmas is about worship and the enemy is going to try to take that away from you by any means possible. Tell the enemy to eat dirt. Say no where you need to. And WORSHIP!!!
Merry Christmas!!!
Mamala says
Rhonda is right, Duck.
I am aghast, as always, at the multitude of mean people that you have been shackled with. It is an inordinate amount–to be sure–
And yet once again, I, your mamala, give you permission to begin this year with your zero tolerance mantra firmly directing your days.
As you well know, I myself have separated from many many mean folks over the years–and the ones who I am stuck with–well, they know better than to visit any doo-doo on me. `
You are too kind, too magnanimous, on the one hand–
And not aware of your greatness, on the other.
Couple those attributes with those vicious, toxic, jealous, backstabbing minions–and you have a recipe for wounds unending.
Jesus empowers us.
Whether He will give you grace, a tight little fist, or power-filled clarity–I don’t know, nevertheless–I pray for this to be the big step.
When you do face down these demons–and you must admit that you have made some strides over the years–remember to stop GUILT at the door. He isn’t welcome here. God is not the author of guilt–
If you simply assert that you’ll not be treated shabbily, and they don’t like it–well then.
You know where you stand–and who they really are.
You are the daughter of The King.
And you know that God hates it when His kids are messed with.
I love you.
Sarah Scott says
I’m sorry that Christmas is so difficult for you. I am experiencing something similar with my inlaws this year for the fist time.
Sucks. This is such a timely post. Thank You.
joy stevens gallagher says
Rhonda and Cathleen you are spot on!
JK says
I always get upset when I read things like this. Yes, the grass is greener, but as a 27 year old guy who doesn’t have any family left and hasn’t had any sort of proper Holiday celebration since he was a kid, I just want to say shut up and make the best of it. I get to look around and see people who spend time with their crazy family that they complain about, get gifts they want or don’t want, and get the revel in the feeling. You’re an adult, and while words can be hurtful they’re just words. Look at the alternative: You could have nobody. And I mean nobody. Then how would you feel? How would you feel all year long?
Claire says
JK, your words are a very good wake-up call for those of us who have the usual family issues but who overall have loving families to spend Christmas with. We need to keep it in perspective and avoid sweating the small stuff, and be thankful that we have a family (at Christmas and during the rest of the year). But someone who truly experiences emotional abuse during family holidays is justified in feeling hurt by this. Abuse isn’t a good alternative to being alone. Yes, it appears that Homegrown Mom is blessed throughout the year with a loving immediate family, and I’m sure she’s very grateful for this. But that doesn’t justify the emotional abuse that she receives from members of her extended family during holidays, and it’s certainly understandable that this makes holidays painful for her, as being alone on the holidays is painful for you.
Mamala says
JK–Of course we have not walked a mile in your shoes–nor you–ours.
Not having family must be tremendously gripping–I don’t envy you.
Nevertheless–discounting the effect of evil people is a short sighted, and rather grandiose perspective.
My daughter did not elaborate on the constant pulse of nastiness she has experienced, because she is kinder than most. I, however, am not.
Being alone does not give you the privilege of prophet, nor the wisdom of the ages. Could it be that having reflected on the sadness of your own situation, you elected to warn? If this is true, it is commendable. However–let us not forget that you are likely imaging my daughter being a silly foolish woman, put out by a raised eyebrow. The offenses are far greater–and you didn’t know that.
So I am giving you what you did not give her–the benefit of the doubt–and I will assume that you were sad, in need of company, and couldn’t understand the idea of turning away ANYONE–when all you want is a beating heart to share the holiday with. I have deep sympathy for you–and whether you like it or not–I have prayed that our God–will send someone your way. You are right–no one should be alone. But you must admit, JK, being unloved isn’t any better.
JK says
I’m not under any impression of her save for the post she wrote that I read. And I didn’t mean to offend anyone. I was drawing upon my own experience to play devil’s advocate. There’s choice involved. When I was on the streets from ages 14-18 I pushed myself to my emotional limits, and because of that I learned a lot of my triggers. If I know that a situation is going to make me feel awful I don’t put myself in it. Within reason, obviously. But from my point of view if I know something is going to tax me unnecessarily emotionally such as being around those who are knowingly abusive, I just don’t put myself in that position.
Mamala says
Sounds sound to me.
Ideally we all want to limit contact with toxic types as often as we can.
Take care of yourself–you sound like you have come a long way.
I pray that you have a relationship with Christ–He is God.
Mika says
I love this and you for posting. I am not sure why I ended up here today, but it was everything I needed. May your new year be blessed, and bright, for you have brightened mine just in time! Thank you
The Redhead Riter says
This year seemed to be tough for many people. Hope you can hang onto a positive attitude about the things that really matter most in life.
itsmekate says
Wow, I can’t believe I found this post.
I also have had a hard time this year with a long time family member who is cold to me and doesn’t seem to like me and treats me differently than some others who WORK outside of the home and have a much better material/financial picture.
I am a stay at home MOM and homeschooling Mom. Our family does sacrifice to have me home and not in the workforce. Most of our family on both sides works outside the home. I think I am looked down upon and possibly even resented and seen as lazy by this and some other family members. But, I am really just trying to live by my convictions that I feel God has led me to. And, try to lay up my treasures in heaven. However, I think I’m looked down upon and not understood by some family members and especially this particular one (an authority figure) who outwardly shows dislike/coldness to me in particular – more than others.
Thanks for your transparency.
I’m sure sorry for your hurt.
I know I have to let go and concentrate on what God says and the few other family members that are supportive.
Thanks again.
God be with you.
itsmekate says
Me again—-I guess it’s just more pronounced at Christmas and holidays and harder to take during this ‘LOVE’ and ‘GIVING’ time of year. 🙂
Amy says
This is a lovely post and a story heard all over the place from people on all types of walks. I’d prefer to read about the realness of people’s lives. 🙂
This Christmas I couldn’t help but see some ‘younger/childless’ people in our local tourist town and remember the days when I was a young single with just a mum and two siblings.. How my heart was lonely and longing for a more loving/deep/joyful relations.
Now I have Jesus, my husband and our 3-soon-to-be-4 children and think THAT is truly THE most precious gift that I could have on earth – Nothing compares.
So I can somehow manage to brush over the annoyances/the baggage/the irritations that occur from extended family – By His Grace I have a Full Heart <3
Ebony says
A simple and intellgniet point, well made. Thanks!
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